The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Randomize
