i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Randomize
