Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
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