You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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