I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Life is so much better after having sex.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Randomize
