I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Sext me about skeletons
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
