toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
