So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
