it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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