I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
