I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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