I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
