I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
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