I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize