just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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