There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I checked into jail on foursquare
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
