you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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