I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
