cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
