why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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