I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
