Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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