never play flip cup with pint glasses
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
