so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize