all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
