I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
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