There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
