Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
