can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
