he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
