she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
