im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
