rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
