you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
