the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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