well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
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