I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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