I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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