ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
