can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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