If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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