he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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