I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
