She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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