i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Randomize