Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
