I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
