atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
