WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Randomize
