Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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