I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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