hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Randomize
