I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
i believe in u and ur pee
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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