can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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