What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize
