He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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